What's Going On...

"An Attempt To Even Things Out"

Countdowns:
2 days til Matchbox 20 in concert
27 days til San Diego
31 days til Mary J & Jay-Z in concert in Phoenix
34 days til Mary J & Jay-Z in concert in Vegas
58 days til Alicia Keys in concert
244 days til Creation Con Supernatural in Chicago!

Song of the Day: Twisted by Christina Milian

So b/c I suck and have been ignoring my D-Land diary, I present my entries I have been writing lately in 1 lump sum. Enjoy!!

02/24/08 @ 18:00
Why does the weekend go so fast?

Really. WHY?!?! I could have sworn it was only Friday like 5 hours ago. *Sigh* I really cherish my weekends. Now more than ever because of the evil ass schedule I am forced to work. And it's really not getting better, the whole getting use to getting up when it's dark and leaving the building when it's dark. If it were not for the fact I have a shit load of bills as well as my family's bills I really would just up and quit. I kinda mentioned that in my employee survey that they made me fill out last week for my 6 month anniversay. My 6th month anniversary that happened on January 9th. You do the math. Yeah....Anyways. Enough bitching about work.

Let's bitch about the Suns and how they have betrayed me once again. The Suns traded my beloved 15+pt,10+rebounds per game All-Star Olympic medal winning power forward Shawn Marion for OLD, 52% LIFE TIME free throw average, former LAKER, HURT Shaquille O'Neal. As you can tell I am not in favor of this trade. All I have heard for the past 2 weeks is how Shaq has rings and Shaq gives us more defence and how Marion was going to leave anyways and how this was for the better. But what everyone fails to remember (or mention that the Suns run. Alot. And Shaquille O'Neal doesn't. AT ALL. And yes, Marion most likely would have left the team, BUT would he have left had the Suns TRIED to go to the playoffs with him and had won the title? I don't think so. Everyone also likes to point to the issue of team chemistry too and how that was a factor as well to them winning. OK they were winning. But I really think they would have won MORE and gotten better as a team had the management not traded away or waived key starters and bench players year after year (Joe Johnson, James Jones, Kurt Thomas, Pat Burke). Todays ASS BEATING at the hand of the Detroit Pistons did not help matters either. As of today, 1-2 with Shaq. Oh yeah.

Currently watching the Oscars.
I love Amy Adams. I need to buy the Enchanted soundtrack. I really think that they should have put CG roaches and mice on stage with her while she was singing.
Wow. The Rock cleans up nice.
Johnny Depp is so hot but WHY does he insist on wearing those Harry Potter glasses?
Oh my Jennifer Hudson, did you not see that side opening on your dress WAS NOT cute? The back either!
What the hell was Jessica Alba wearing? I think she went and stole something from Seseme Street.
Awww..Diablo Cody's speech was so sweet & heartfelt. Too back the same couldn't be said about that Tarzan & Jane inspired outfit she had on.

Still on the Supernatural kick. I love this show. I've loved it before but now that I have the DVD's and have put myself in a continous coma, it's grown. Especially cause that Jensen Ackles is so damn SEXY. Really. How could you not say this isn't hot?

And this:

Or this:

And ESPECIALLY THIS:

Oh so hot.
OK off to bed.

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03/05/08 @ 23:30
The Suns getting their ASS BEAT AGAIN is not helping me get better.

*Sigh* Beat again. This time by the Denver Nuggets. This is not helping the playoff run. Not at all.

Been sick this week. Good times, good times I tell you. In 3 days I have killed 2.5 boxes of Puffs, 1/2 bottle of nasal sinus pressure spray, 1.5 gallons of orange juice, 1 2-liter of Sprite, & 1.5 gallons of bottled water. And if I haven't been drinking, drugging up, blowing my nose, or peeing I've been doing 2 of my favorite things: watching tv & sleeping. I love it. So much so I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I am no means well but I am sure as hell not using my hard earned PTO for ILLNESS. Especially since I have so many things and trips planned for this year. Hey Mia, are you going to this? I am thinking about going if I don't go to Dallas......:) Mmmm....Jared & Jensen sandwich. That is how you make a girl well. :P

Off to bed.
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03/06/08 @ 01:58
No Title

Trying to go to bed but can't sleep. I hate work. I think I am starting that funk again that I was in awhile ago when I trying to decide if I wanted to leave The Hellspot. All the anger and sadness and just wanting to find some peace and happiness but not being able to. Yeah. And then to top it off I am missing the PB. WTF! I thought I was doing really well with getting him out of my system, I really did. But then for some reason he popped into my head the other night and I missed him. I miss being stupid with him, I miss laughing at each other, I miss his smile, and I miss how he made me feel. Well before I found out about the girlfriend. And then there is the question on how did he make me feel? I guess it was just hopeful. I don't know if I am explaining it right. He just made me feel something that hadn't happened in a LONG time. Alive (as corny as that may sound)? I don't know. SO not good at this. Maybe it's the tiredness kicking in. Yeah!! But all the missing him doesn't excuse the fact of what happened and all of other shit I felt. Then I found this and it made me remember so vividly. This one came during a conversation with Fabiola. I was just so mad and sad and tired and just feeling so.....small and worthless and just broke down crying to her. I feel so bad doing that to her cause that's all I feel I have done to her for the past two years and she's got much bigger problems than I do but she's always been able to sense when something is not right and she just got it as soon as I called her. I orginally was going to post this on my MySpace blog but I never thought I finished it. Oh well. It's kinda good I didn't because his lying girlfriend reads my blog and I really didn't want or need her comments or want to talk to her later about it at work.

I know you can read this or hear about it so don't act stupid or surprised that I would actually do this.

Thank you so much for not telling me the truth for what now, 3 months? Oh but wait! YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME!! I heard from HER and then STILL you continued to play me for stupid. I am so angry but I don't know who or what I am more angrier at: me for not saying anything and thinking you were going to make the 1st move or you for not telling me and continuing to still do AND be what we've been to each other. And my anger grows more towards me because despite it all, the lack of honesty and communication, I think I've fallen in love with you because you STILL treat me like I'm the one you want and need. Even though I am obviously not. If I am not the one you want then why do you still want me around? Why do you still hold me like you never want to let me go? Why do you give me that smile that makes ME think I am the only one who can do that? Why? That's all I want to know. Why NOT ME? I know I am not perfect but I thought WE could be.

Was I wrong? Was all the time we spent together for no reason other than us just being friends? I have a hard time believing that but then you have a hard time telling the truth. Thank you for COMPLETELY making me doubt myself and everyone of the feelings I have for you as well as EVERYTHING we did. Granted it wasn't alot but it takes a lot for me to even consider, let alone do. Now I am just confused about what I want to do. I really want you in my life but I don’t know if can take not being your everything. I am struggling to decide if just being friends with you will be ok and not be some sort of self inflicting torture I am doing to myself. I would like you in my life but I really don't want to be your "girl friend who ISN'T your girlfriend".

And then there is the other issue of trust. I would trust you with my life but with my heart? That comes and goes. ESPECIALLY since you keep LYING TO ME!! And then there's that. I have to give you props because you really didn't lie to me as so much as omit shit from me. But isn't that necessarily the same thing? And then the circle comes back to me not saying anything and you possibly not knowing what I felt.

*sigh* I just really want things the way they used to be, just you and me and how they were fun and sweet and good instead of me just writing all this shit and crying and being angry and you being happy with her.

I read that and see I have come along way from most of that (ESPECIALLY the falling in love stuff!!) but it is still that last part that I am having trouble with. The fun and sweet and good. Maybe that's just me missing the friendship part. And maybe that's the part I need to let go of because it's really hard to have a friendship without your friend.
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03/08/08 @ 03:48
Deaf, blind, and everything else

Gotta love sinus infections. So with all my blowing, I think I blew out my ear drums. No seriously. I have SEVERELY muffled hearing. It reminds me of that Dane Cook bit where he is talking about going to the club and afterwards having that bass beat just ring in your ears for about a month. Yeah. It's like that. Or it's like going to a concert and sitting by the speaker. ALL NIGHT. FOR 15 HOURS. It's bad. So bad that tonight at the game, which did not improve my mood after the Suns FUCKING LOST AGAIN, the announcer was sounding like an exact carbon copy of the teacher from Charlie Brown. Oh yeah. That's hot. Add to it my non smelling capabilities and my right twitching, I am just one bitching babe.

I really should be going to bed instead of writing this or watching my favorite episode of Supernatural from season 1 Hell House because I have a 950a wake up call to buy my ticket for Mary J.Blige. And also because Kai & I are going to FINALLY meet my sexy, beautiful, husband Grant Hill tomorrow at a meet n' greet at the Room Store!! OMG I can't wait. FINALLY!! Oh Fabiola might be right when she said I might cry or pass out. Oh lawd I hope not. Just let me smile and nod, smile and not. lol. But really, who can't say this IS NOT worth it:

OK off to bed
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03/09/08 @ 04:32
I'm going to Chicago damnit!

Yep. I'm doing it. For sure. It's for my birthday. And again like I've said before no one loves me more than me so who else could give me a better present than I could! I know it's in Chicago in November and last year for my birthday I was swimming in the hidden outdoor pool at the resort at 10p but I can do it!! Plus, it's at the same hotel that Challenge for the Children was held at! I so know the area and can get to all the important things within 5 minutes! Important things being the Target, the Chipotle, & the Chili's!! lol. Now I am really excited!

Did all my laundry tonight. I hadn't done it in THREE WEEKS. How did I know that? Well I counted all the pair of underwear I washed. 1 pair a day, EVERYDAY. Anyways, I am OBSESSED with Bounce dryer sheets. Really obsessed. Like the other day at Target I found the lint rollers that they made with the smell on clearence. I bought them all. They came in a 2 pack and there was like 6 or 7 of them. Yeah..... but I LOVE the smell! If Bounce came like my Curve Crush does I would buy the perfume, the matching lotion, body wash, AND perfume solid.

So I made mom get caught up on Supernatural season 1 FINALLY. She is currently in a season 2 coma. lol. She was watching the season 1 finale earlier so of course I went and joined her so I could pour out some liquor for the Impala. *sniff* When it was over I wanted her to watch the gag reel. Well my mother is kinda clueless with DVDs so I took over the remote and while getting to the gag reel selection we both see Dean's eyes turn yellow!! We were like WTF?!?! And then I saw the little light in the upper corner lit up!! I was like I can't believe I missed the Easter Eggs! Oh hell no!! So right then and there I was on a mission to find them all!! lol It was funny.

Senses update: still twitching of the eye but not as much. Still can't taste. Minor smelling. Minor hearing improvements. No Charlie Brown teacher but still cannot hear self sing.

OK enough of my lunatic rambling. Time for bed. I HAVE to get up early today. Suns game @ 1230p and I have to be in bed by 830p for my WONDERFUL new wake up time of 430a. Damn daylight savings. I don't know WHY I have to change from my regular scheduled time when I live in state that doesn't. I am really not happy with The Box right now. Not at all.
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03/13/08 @ 00:06
My new FAVORITE song....damn Enrique. DAMN.

So yeah.....That was hot. Not just sexy hot, but down and dirty hot. I'm liking this new turn the boy has taken.


	March 15, 2008 at 1:33 a.m. "An Attempt To Even Things Out" Countdowns: 2 days til Matchbox 20 in concert 27 days til San Diego 31 days til Mary J & Jay-Z in concert in Phoenix 34 days til Mary J & Jay-Z in concert in Vegas 58 days til Alicia Keys in concert 244 days til Creation Con Supernatural in Chicago! Song of the Day: Twisted by Christina Milian So b/c I suck and have been ignoring my D-Land diary, I present my entries I have been writing lately in 1 lump sum. Enjoy!! 02/24/08 @ 18:00 Why does the weekend go so fast? Really. WHY?!?! I could have sworn it was only Friday like 5 hours ago. Sigh I really cherish my weekends. Now more than ever because of the evil ass schedule I am forced to work. And it's really not getting better, the whole getting use to getting up when it's dark and leaving the building when it's dark. If it were not for the fact I have a shit load of bills as well as my family's bills I really would just up and quit. I kinda mentioned that in my employee survey that they made me fill out last week for my 6 month anniversay. My 6th month anniversary that happened on January 9th. You do the math. Yeah....Anyways. Enough bitching about work. Let's bitch about the Suns and how they have betrayed me once again. The Suns traded my beloved 15+pt,10+rebounds per game All-Star Olympic medal winning power forward Shawn Marion for OLD, 52% LIFE TIME free throw average, former LAKER, HURT Shaquille O'Neal. As you can tell I am not in favor of this trade. All I have heard for the past 2 weeks is how Shaq has rings and Shaq gives us more defence and how Marion was going to leave anyways and how this was for the better. But what everyone fails to remember (or mention that the Suns run. Alot. And Shaquille O'Neal doesn't. AT ALL. And yes, Marion most likely would have left the team, BUT would he have left had the Suns TRIED to go to the playoffs with him and had won the title? I don't think so. Everyone also likes to point to the issue of team chemistry too and how that was a factor as well to them winning. OK they were winning. But I really think they would have won MORE and gotten better as a team had the management not traded away or waived key starters and bench players year after year (Joe Johnson, James Jones, Kurt Thomas, Pat Burke). Todays ASS BEATING at the hand of the Detroit Pistons did not help matters either. As of today, 1-2 with Shaq. Oh yeah. Currently watching the Oscars. I love Amy Adams. I need to buy the Enchanted soundtrack. I really think that they should have put CG roaches and mice on stage with her while she was singing. Wow. The Rock cleans up nice. Johnny Depp is so hot but WHY does he insist on wearing those Harry Potter glasses? Oh my Jennifer Hudson, did you not see that side opening on your dress WAS NOT cute? The back either! What the hell was Jessica Alba wearing? I think she went and stole something from Seseme Street. Awww..Diablo Cody's speech was so sweet & heartfelt. Too back the same couldn't be said about that Tarzan & Jane inspired outfit she had on. Still on the Supernatural kick. I love this show. I've loved it before but now that I have the DVD's and have put myself in a continous coma, it's grown. Especially cause that Jensen Ackles is so damn SEXY. Really. How could you not say this isn't hot? And this: Or this: And ESPECIALLY THIS: Oh so hot. OK off to bed. --------------------------------------- 03/05/08 @ 23:30 The Suns getting their ASS BEAT AGAIN is not helping me get better. Sigh Beat again. This time by the Denver Nuggets. This is not helping the playoff run. Not at all. Been sick this week. Good times, good times I tell you. In 3 days I have killed 2.5 boxes of Puffs, 1/2 bottle of nasal sinus pressure spray, 1.5 gallons of orange juice, 1 2-liter of Sprite, & 1.5 gallons of bottled water. And if I haven't been drinking, drugging up, blowing my nose, or peeing I've been doing 2 of my favorite things: watching tv & sleeping. I love it. So much so I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I am no means well but I am sure as hell not using my hard earned PTO for ILLNESS. Especially since I have so many things and trips planned for this year. Hey Mia, are you going to this? I am thinking about going if I don't go to Dallas......:) Mmmm....Jared & Jensen sandwich. That is how you make a girl well. :P Off to bed. --------------------------------------- 03/06/08 @ 01:58 No Title Trying to go to bed but can't sleep. I hate work. I think I am starting that funk again that I was in awhile ago when I trying to decide if I wanted to leave The Hellspot. All the anger and sadness and just wanting to find some peace and happiness but not being able to. Yeah. And then to top it off I am missing the PB. WTF! I thought I was doing really well with getting him out of my system, I really did. But then for some reason he popped into my head the other night and I missed him. I miss being stupid with him, I miss laughing at each other, I miss his smile, and I miss how he made me feel. Well before I found out about the girlfriend. And then there is the question on how did he make me feel? I guess it was just hopeful. I don't know if I am explaining it right. He just made me feel something that hadn't happened in a LONG time. Alive (as corny as that may sound)? I don't know. SO not good at this. Maybe it's the tiredness kicking in. Yeah!! But all the missing him doesn't excuse the fact of what happened and all of other shit I felt. Then I found this and it made me remember so vividly. This one came during a conversation with Fabiola. I was just so mad and sad and tired and just feeling so.....small and worthless and just broke down crying to her. I feel so bad doing that to her cause that's all I feel I have done to her for the past two years and she's got much bigger problems than I do but she's always been able to sense when something is not right and she just got it as soon as I called her. I orginally was going to post this on my MySpace blog but I never thought I finished it. Oh well. It's kinda good I didn't because his lying girlfriend reads my blog and I really didn't want or need her comments or want to talk to her later about it at work. I know you can read this or hear about it so don't act stupid or surprised that I would actually do this. Thank you so much for not telling me the truth for what now, 3 months? Oh but wait! YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME!! I heard from HER and then STILL you continued to play me for stupid. I am so angry but I don't know who or what I am more angrier at: me for not saying anything and thinking you were going to make the 1st move or you for not telling me and continuing to still do AND be what we've been to each other. And my anger grows more towards me because despite it all, the lack of honesty and communication, I think I've fallen in love with you because you STILL treat me like I'm the one you want and need. Even though I am obviously not. If I am not the one you want then why do you still want me around? Why do you still hold me like you never want to let me go? Why do you give me that smile that makes ME think I am the only one who can do that? Why? That's all I want to know. Why NOT ME? I know I am not perfect but I thought WE could be. Was I wrong? Was all the time we spent together for no reason other than us just being friends? I have a hard time believing that but then you have a hard time telling the truth. Thank you for COMPLETELY making me doubt myself and everyone of the feelings I have for you as well as EVERYTHING we did. Granted it wasn't alot but it takes a lot for me to even consider, let alone do. Now I am just confused about what I want to do. I really want you in my life but I don’t know if can take not being your everything. I am struggling to decide if just being friends with you will be ok and not be some sort of self inflicting torture I am doing to myself. I would like you in my life but I really don't want to be your "girl friend who ISN'T your girlfriend". And then there is the other issue of trust. I would trust you with my life but with my heart? That comes and goes. ESPECIALLY since you keep LYING TO ME!! And then there's that. I have to give you props because you really didn't lie to me as so much as omit shit from me. But isn't that necessarily the same thing? And then the circle comes back to me not saying anything and you possibly not knowing what I felt. sigh I just really want things the way they used to be, just you and me and how they were fun and sweet and good instead of me just writing all this shit and crying and being angry and you being happy with her. I read that and see I have come along way from most of that (ESPECIALLY the falling in love stuff!!) but it is still that last part that I am having trouble with. The fun and sweet and good. Maybe that's just me missing the friendship part. And maybe that's the part I need to let go of because it's really hard to have a friendship without your friend. ---------------------------------- 03/08/08 @ 03:48 Deaf, blind, and everything else Gotta love sinus infections. So with all my blowing, I think I blew out my ear drums. No seriously. I have SEVERELY muffled hearing. It reminds me of that Dane Cook bit where he is talking about going to the club and afterwards having that bass beat just ring in your ears for about a month. Yeah. It's like that. Or it's like going to a concert and sitting by the speaker. ALL NIGHT. FOR 15 HOURS. It's bad. So bad that tonight at the game, which did not improve my mood after the Suns FUCKING LOST AGAIN, the announcer was sounding like an exact carbon copy of the teacher from Charlie Brown. Oh yeah. That's hot. Add to it my non smelling capabilities and my right twitching, I am just one bitching babe. I really should be going to bed instead of writing this or watching my favorite episode of Supernatural from season 1 Hell House because I have a 950a wake up call to buy my ticket for Mary J.Blige. And also because Kai & I are going to FINALLY meet my sexy, beautiful, husband Grant Hill tomorrow at a meet n' greet at the Room Store!! OMG I can't wait. FINALLY!! Oh Fabiola might be right when she said I might cry or pass out. Oh lawd I hope not. Just let me smile and nod, smile and not. lol. But really, who can't say this IS NOT worth it: OK off to bed --------------------------------------- 03/09/08 @ 04:32 I'm going to Chicago damnit! Yep. I'm doing it. For sure. It's for my birthday. And again like I've said before no one loves me more than me so who else could give me a better present than I could! I know it's in Chicago in November and last year for my birthday I was swimming in the hidden outdoor pool at the resort at 10p but I can do it!! Plus, it's at the same hotel that Challenge for the Children was held at! I so know the area and can get to all the important things within 5 minutes! Important things being the Target, the Chipotle, & the Chili's!! lol. Now I am really excited! Did all my laundry tonight. I hadn't done it in THREE WEEKS. How did I know that? Well I counted all the pair of underwear I washed. 1 pair a day, EVERYDAY. Anyways, I am OBSESSED with Bounce dryer sheets. Really obsessed. Like the other day at Target I found the lint rollers that they made with the smell on clearence. I bought them all. They came in a 2 pack and there was like 6 or 7 of them. Yeah..... but I LOVE the smell! If Bounce came like my Curve Crush does I would buy the perfume, the matching lotion, body wash, AND perfume solid. So I made mom get caught up on Supernatural season 1 FINALLY. She is currently in a season 2 coma. lol. She was watching the season 1 finale earlier so of course I went and joined her so I could pour out some liquor for the Impala. sniff When it was over I wanted her to watch the gag reel. Well my mother is kinda clueless with DVDs so I took over the remote and while getting to the gag reel selection we both see Dean's eyes turn yellow!! We were like WTF?!?! And then I saw the little light in the upper corner lit up!! I was like I can't believe I missed the Easter Eggs! Oh hell no!! So right then and there I was on a mission to find them all!! lol It was funny. Senses update: still twitching of the eye but not as much. Still can't taste. Minor smelling. Minor hearing improvements. No Charlie Brown teacher but still cannot hear self sing. OK enough of my lunatic rambling. Time for bed. I HAVE to get up early today. Suns game @ 1230p and I have to be in bed by 830p for my WONDERFUL new wake up time of 430a. Damn daylight savings. I don't know WHY I have to change from my regular scheduled time when I live in state that doesn't. I am really not happy with The Box right now. Not at all. ------------------------------------ 03/13/08 @ 00:06 My new FAVORITE song....damn Enrique. DAMN. So yeah.....That was hot. Not just sexy hot, but down and dirty hot. I'm liking this new turn the boy has taken.